Communicating Needs & Boundaries
Being assertive and setting boundaries can be tough. For many of us, healthy communication may not have been modeled or encouraged growing up, meaning we never learned the language or had the opportunity to practice communicating our needs or limits in appropriate ways. Today, I'd like to share some helpful examples of assertive and boundary-setting phrases you can use during daily interactions.
Before I start, a few quick notes:
- The phrases I'm sharing today are meant to be practical starting points, but they certainly aren't exhaustive or applicable to every situation. An important supplemental aspect to using these phrases involves holding healthy emotional boundaries, which I discuss here.
- In order to set boundaries and act assertively, it's essential to identify what your needs and boundaries actually are. Our emotions can help us recognize our needs and limits, but I would encourage you to explore this more fully with a therapist if you are unsure.
- Setting boundaries does not mean you are rude, uncaring or unkind. In fact, most things can be presented in a thoughtful and considerate way, boundaries included! It's all about saying it in a values-guided way, so at the end of the day you can say you showed yourself and others respect. This is what assertive communication is all about.
- If you aren't used to setting boundaries or communicating assertively, even the smallest requests or limits may feel like you're asking too much. If this has been your experience, consider: if a friend was asking this of you, would you think it was fair for them to bring up?
- I present the below examples in a rough order of "firmness" with regards to the wording. The top phrases in the lists are the most gentle and some may not even be strictly considered assertive communication, but I included them because I think they can still help us effectively communicate with others. The phrase you choose to use may depend on the severity of a boundary crossing, your relationship with the other person, the other person's pattern of behaviour towards you, the appropriateness in a given situation, the level of importance to you, and your own comfort level with assertive communication.
Saying No, Setting Limits
- Sorry but I can't today.
- I wish I could but I'm not able to today.
- Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass this time.
- Not today, but I appreciate you thinking of me.
- As much as I’d love to help, unfortunately I have a lot to do today. I hope you’re able to find someone else though.
- I can't, but what about (this alternative idea) instead?
- I don't think that will work because ______, but what about (this alternative idea) instead?
- I can't right now. Thanks though.
- Unfortunately I can't take on any more tasks at the moment.
- No thanks.
- Thanks but I'd rather ______.
- I appreciate your opinion, but I am going to ______.
- I appreciate your opinion, but I would like you to please ______.
- I want to ______.
- I don't want to right now.
- I feel uncomfortable doing that, so the answer is no.
- Please do not (engage in this behaviour that negatively impacts me).
- No.
- I am not comfortable with this. I'm choosing to leave /take a break from this conversation.
- I'm leaving now.
Making Requests, Expressing Needs and Opinions
- Can I make a suggestion?
- Can I make a request?
- Would you be willing to ______?
- Would you mind if instead of (that) we try (this)?
- What if we do (this) instead of (that)?
- Would you mind ______?
- I think (this) would be a good idea because ______
- It would mean a lot to me if you would ______
- I felt (emotion) when (that happened) because ______. Next time, I'd like if you would ______ please.
- I feel (emotion) when (this happens) because ______. I'd like if you would ______ please.
- Next time, I'd appreciate if you'd please ______.
- I respect your opinion, but let's agree to disagree.
- I'm feeling (emotion) right now, so I am going to (take an action to care for self).
- Could you please ______
- I would like it if you would ______ please.
- I need ______ please.
- I need you to ______ please.
- I know you didn’t mean to, but I feel hurt/offended by your comment.
- I feel hurt/offended by your comment because ______ and I'd like some space /to talk to you about it.
- I disagree. I believe ______.
- I’ve (provided this contribution) and I believe that I deserve a raise/promotion/consideration.
- I'd like us to do (this) please.
- I expect you to treat me with respect.
- I need ______
- Please do (this).
- Do (this).
A few final considerations:
- Be aware of your tone of voice
- A harsher or louder tone can make for a firmer message, but it also has a higher likelihood of the other person becoming defensive rather than actually listening to your requests. A pensive quiet tone may come across as ambivalence or weakness. Aim for a calm and confident approach.
- Pick your timing
- If the request or boundary-setting isn't urgent, choosing a more relaxed moment and environment could make for a more effective conversation.
- How you start a conversation plays a huge role in how the conversation will end.
- Click here for some great extra information on this from the Gottman institute.
On the other side of that coin, other people have the same rights to boundaries and assertive decision-making as yourself. If someone is unwilling to respect your boundaries or declines your assertive request, it is within their right to do so (unless they are behaving in an abusive manner, which is always unacceptable). If someone does not respect your requests, then it is your responsibility to decide if you're willing to accept their decision and seek to address your needs in a different way, continue making efforts to communicate your needs and boundaries with the person, explore ways to find a compromise with the person, or take space from that individual or situation to protect yourself.
If you would like to further explore the skills of boundary-setting and assertiveness, please consider connecting with a mental health professional.