Emotional Boundaries

There's been a lot of talk recently about the value in setting boundaries. Often in these discussions, it starts with changes such as saying "no" to others and leaving unhealthy environments or relationships. Today I'm going to discuss another component to boundaries that is less frequently discussed: emotional boundaries.

Emotional boundaries entails a separation of what is and isn't your responsibility. It involves you being responsible for your feelings and others being responsible for their feelings. Our emotional boundaries are being crossed when we let another person's feelings dictate our own, when we accept responsibility for another person's feelings, when we take actions to try and control another person's feelings, or we blame other people for our own emotional experience.

This does not mean that we shouldn't be aware of how our actions impact others, nor does it mean we can't show others empathy or hold them responsible for treating us poorly. We are social creatures after all and offering -and expecting- support and consideration is absolutely fair. The difference is that with strong emotional boundaries, we're clear in understanding that others' feelings are not ultimately ours to carry or change, just as nobody else is ultimately responsible for our feelings. When we engage with others' emotions, it is with an understanding we can only engage from an external place of support - we cannot change their thoughts or feelings and we do not need to sacrifice our own well-being in an effort to do so.

Let me give you an example: Say Jimmy feels upset about a hard day at work and asks his friend Susan to cancel her plans to spend time with him.

• If Susan has weaker emotional boundaries, she may feel badly about Jimmy's emotional state and cancel her plans in order to console him, even though she feels some resentment for doing so. Note that this decision isn't rooted in her values-based desire to be a supportive friend for Jimmy - it's rooted in her desire to help him change his bad mood, even though it will negatively impact her own mood in the process.
   
• If Susan had stronger emotional boundaries, Susan would likely express empathy for Jimmy's state and perhaps suggest alternative plans to show she cares about him. She would not feel responsible for his upset mood, nor would she feel guilty in the decision to keep her original plans - even if he gets angry with her for doing so. She would know Jimmy is responsible for his well-being and although she'd like to help, she must do so within her own limits.

Maintaining strong emotional boundaries can be tricky business, especially if we've been raised to believe that we're responsible for managing others' feelings. A helpful first step is to notice when boundary crossings are happening (a couple good tip-off are when your mood is greatly changed by another person's mood or when you feel resentment towards another person). Once you notice, then consider the following reminders when deciding what to do next:
 
- You are not responsible for others' feelings.

- You are responsible for your own feelings.

- You can't "make" anyone feel (or not feel) anything . Your actions can influence another person's experience, but their emotions are stemming from their interpretation and expectations about an event - both of which are ultimately outside of your control.

- If someone is crossing a boundary for you, you are responsible for communicating and enforcing that boundary. Don't expect others to read your mind.

- If you are crossing someone else's boundary, they are responsible for communicating and enforcing that boundary. Don't expect yourself to read others' minds.

- Your emotional well-being matters just as much as others' emotional well-being. Your values, identity, opinions, needs, goals and emotions are all just as important as another person's, but you are the one responsible for yours, so consider them when making decisions. 

Setting emotional boundaries may feel selfish or cold if we aren't used to doing so. But when you set these boundaries, you'll be showing yourself more consideration and respect, you'll be more honest and authentic with others, and ultimately you'll be protecting your emotional well-being. Don't forget, you can still act on your values and show compassion, empathy and consideration for others when you have strong boundaries. It just means you're doing so from a more honest place while you are also taking care of your primary responsibility: yourself.  


If you found this article interesting and would like learn more, the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie does an excellent job explaining these concepts. If you would like to make changes to your own boundaries, please consider speaking with a mental health professional.