Self-Criticism

Have you ever made a mistake? Of course you have. We all have - it's part of being human.

But a lot of us don't allow ourselves the luxury to be human. We expect ourselves to perform perfectly without mistakes, without blunders, without trip-ups. We aren't allowed to be awkward, to fail, to be confused, to get something wrong or to forget. And when any of these inevitably occur, many of us respond by beating ourselves up or revisiting the event over and over in our minds with corresponding feelings of shame and guilt. For many of us, these responses all feel like a natural response to a regrettable decision. We reason that this is the way we will learn from our mistakes and grow as people.

But here's the thing: you don't actually need to beat yourself up to grow. 

Being critical with ourselves contributes to low self-worth and self-efficacy, both of which actually deter us from trying to pursue future challenges. After all, what's the point of trying if we're no good and incompetent? Also with such harsh consequences to mistakes, every action is under added pressure. Taking this harsh approach with ourselves ultimately pulls the rug out from under us to succeed.

So what do we do instead? Well, we treat ourselves the way we'd probably treat others we care about - with compassion and encouragement. We would cheer ourselves on to keep trying and remind ourselves that failing is a necessary step to learning and getting better. We wouldn't sugar-coat mistakes and we'd still take responsibility for our errors, but we'd interpret those as lessons rather than personal failures. Any guilt or shame we feel would be allowed to be felt, but also met with reflection on our actions and compassion for ourselves. We can remember that individual mistakes do not amount to our entire identities, and in fact these mistakes can help boost our ability to become even kinder, humble and resilient people. This is the real path to personal growth.

This can be really tough to do. If our habit is to respond to failures in a certain way, new approaches may initially feel impossible. But with time and practice, we can change our thought habits to be more supportive, more compassionate and ultimately more helpful.

For more support in making this shift in self-talk, consider speaking with a therapist.