Is your brain a bully?
Our brains can sometimes say some pretty harsh things. "You're no good," "you did that stupid thing 5 years ago," "you will fail at this," and the list goes on and on. Sometimes we can even point to where we might have learned these messages - they might have been recieved from others growing up or through some difficult experiences. But why do they stick around and repeat themselves? Why do we focus our attention so heavily on our past mistakes or on expectations of future failures? Surprisingly, it's because our brains are trying to help us survive.
Our brains are programmed to pay extra attention to threats, which can absolutely be helpful in many circumstances. If you were a caveman living in the wilderness, it'd be quite valuable to pay a lot of attention to past mistakes that might have been life-threatening so you don't repeat them, or expect risks of failure to ensure you can prepare yourself if they might happen and avoid life-threatening scenarios. Cue our brains focusing on past failures and thinking of worst-case scenarios to happen in future.
In this same vein, to stay within a social group is often essential for survival. Staying in a group means we have access to shared resources, social support, protection-in-numbers from predators/enemies, and opportunities to procreate. To stay in a social group, our brains make a point to ensure we are comparing ourselves to others and paying attention to negative feedback from others. Both of these thought processes motivate us to keep learning and improving, which helps us maintain social status and ensure we don't end up alone and vulnerable.
When we get down to the bare bones, all of these things are adaptive and could help you survive in those circumstances. One of the challenges we are facing these days is that our circumstances have changed and our brains haven't.
Our brains are programmed to pay extra attention to threats, which can absolutely be helpful in many circumstances. If you were a caveman living in the wilderness, it'd be quite valuable to pay a lot of attention to past mistakes that might have been life-threatening so you don't repeat them, or expect risks of failure to ensure you can prepare yourself if they might happen and avoid life-threatening scenarios. Cue our brains focusing on past failures and thinking of worst-case scenarios to happen in future.
In this same vein, to stay within a social group is often essential for survival. Staying in a group means we have access to shared resources, social support, protection-in-numbers from predators/enemies, and opportunities to procreate. To stay in a social group, our brains make a point to ensure we are comparing ourselves to others and paying attention to negative feedback from others. Both of these thought processes motivate us to keep learning and improving, which helps us maintain social status and ensure we don't end up alone and vulnerable.
When we get down to the bare bones, all of these things are adaptive and could help you survive in those circumstances. One of the challenges we are facing these days is that our circumstances have changed and our brains haven't.
- Most of us in Canada aren't in regular life-threatening situations where fixating on mistakes or expecting the worst is essential to survival. But when our brains register a socially awkward interaction or a mistake at work as a threat, it may respond as though it is.
- Most of us aren't comparing ourselves to 30 members of a socially-close group anymore, we're potentially comparing ourselves to thousands of people -
everyone who has access to social media!
- Most of us do not need to focus on feedback from others so heavily. Social acceptance is not as essential for survival anymore and there are far more people to connect with. Particularly when a message isn't helping us grow as people, focusing excessively on that feedback is not serving us these days.
Now reflect on how your brain might be giving you these types of messages in your own life. When your brain starts saying harsh messages, take pause before criticing yourself or your brain for having them. This is not your brain simply being a jerk and this is not a personal fault of yours. This is your brain's (sometimes misguided but) well-meaning attempts to ensure you are safe from harm and safely embedded in your social group.
The information in this article is based on the research and
writings of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy practitioners. Much of
this information is discussed in more detail in Dr. Russ
Harris' The Happiness Trap
Harris, R. (2008). The happiness trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Trumpeter Books.