Control and Responsibility

I have been thinking recently about the relationship between control and responsibility. 

Let me first start by explaining what I mean by control. I'm talking about what aspects of life you have a real ability to change in most circumstances.

We have control over: our actions, what we say to others, what we strive to focus our attention on, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, our decision to persevere or give up, how we set boundaries, what values we live by, how we meet our needs, our choices about how our life looks (who we choose to spend time with, what we do in our spare time, etc), and the perspectives we choose to practice taking. Notice how these all revolve around you in the present moment - this is because you, right now, are ultimately what you have control over. This is also your power - something unique to you.

Notice how this list does not include: other people's emotions, others' thoughts, others' decisions, others' actions, others' beliefs. This is because it is fruitless to attempt to control others in this way, and our efforts tend to minimize others' power in the process. We also do not have much control over certain natural constraints in our lives, including our own natural ebb and flow of emotions and thoughts, our past mistakes or the past in general, or certain aspects about ourselves that we were born with or from childhood (such as skin colour, genetics, height, family we grew up with, country we grew up in, our experiences as children, social norms, etc).

Please note that of course there are nuances to this. If we are unable to care for ourselves because we are not yet adults, or there is a physical or intellectual barrier to living independently, or we are in real physical danger if we do not respond a certain way, then the list of what you have control over in a practical sense may change. Also, we don't live in a bubble and we do have some influence in other people's lives as we interact with them. However, it still comes down to the fact that you can make the choice to interact with someone a certain way (your control) and the person can then choose how to respond (their control). In the same vein, you can choose to act in alignment with your values to help or support other people in various ways, but their willingness to accept that help is up to them.

An easy way to think about this is by considering the following: if you were offered $1 000 000.00 for doing something, could you do it? For the first list, the answer is yes. Perhaps you might need to seek support to do those things effectively, but it is ultimately in your power to do so. For the second list, although we might try to influence these things with our own actions, it is not possible for us to make them happen ourselves.

Now here is where responsibility comes into play. I spoke about this concept more extensively in a previous post, but for the purposes of this discussion I'll define responsibility as the sense of duty to address something.

I believe it is fair of us to only feel responsible for aspects of our lives we have control over.

Taking responsibility for things outside of our control is not only nonsensical, it can be quite painful for both ourselves and others. Guilt is meant to be a signal to change our actions for next time, but if we don't have the power to change those actions, the guilt isn't very useful anymore.

The same can be said for not taking responsibility for things we do have control over. It would mean you would then miss out on the chance to learn from your mistakes, as you wouldn't identify them as your own. It would likely also mean either your needs weren't getting met, or someone else was carrying that responsibility to meet your needs for you, likely to their own detriment.

For those aspects we have control over and are thus responsible for, we are also resposible for recognizing and accepting the consequences of those actions. For example, if we choose to yell at someone (our choice) and they respond by avoiding us (their choice), we have both made decisions that negatively impact that relationship and we are responsible for accepting our role in it.

So, review those two lists above and really take your time reflecting on this... What you have control over is what you are responsible for, what you do not have control over, you are not responsible for. The lists may look a little different in that context.

Have you noticed any situations in your own life where you are not taking responsibility for aspects of your life that you currently have control over? Alternatively, are you taking responsibility for aspects of your life that are outside of your control? This discussion relates to the role of boundaries, whereby everyone is ultimately responsible for themselves, and your emotions/thoughts/actions are distinct from others' emotions/thoughts/actions.

What would it mean if this is the case? Would there be anything you would let go of? Would there be anything you would change in how you view your present circumstances?

If you noticed these boundary lines are blurred, I would encourage you to explore this with further reflection. If you find you are attempting to control others, a wonderful book discussing this topic would be Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Alternatively, if you are not taking responsibility for all of your actions, it may be worth reflecting on what you may be avoiding by sacrificing your power to others in this way. In either case, this is something that can be helpful to discuss in more detail with a therapist.