Self-validation

How many times this week have you dismissed your own thoughts or emotions? How many times have you told yourself "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "what a silly thing to be worrying about" or "I'm just being dramatic and need to get over it"? It's remarkably common for us to invalidate our internal experiences and judge ourselves in the process - often without even realizing we are doing so. But if we "shouldn't" be experiencing these things, then why are they there?

Our thoughts and feelings arise based on our understanding and interpretation of an experience. They offer us information about what the experience means to us and suggestions on how to respond. Often these messages are very valuable and the signals they offer are worth considering when we make decisions.

Our thought and emotional responses also tend to be established from experience, where our brains learn what situations are emotionally and physically safe or dangerous. Sometimes these past lessons carry forward, even if the situations change or our responses becomes outdated and inappropriate. We are hard-wired to protect ourselves and our brains do so in the best way they know how. But sometimes in the process, we notice our responses don't align with others' opinions or our own rational beliefs about a situation. Coupled with this, we're sometimes taught by others that some emotions or perspectives are acceptable and some aren't. Perhaps we were told to "toughen up" or "stop being dramatic." Over time, we can internalize these messages and start telling them to ourselves.

Whether we learned these sentiments from our own experiences or others, the final result tends to be us admonishing ourselves for feeling or thinking certain things. Unfortunately, we fail to realize that doing so does not actually reduce those thoughts or emotions, nor does it help the situation. Instead, by rejecting our own experiences we tend to add more pain to the situation. It's almost akin to kicking yourself when you're down or rubbing salt into a wound.

If you recognize yourself in some of the above description, I would like to suggest an alternative approach to try with yourself. The next time you fall into this line of thinking, take pause and reflect on why you may be responding this way. Odds are, whether it's from a past event, how we were raised or the number of stressors we've had to cope with this week, the emotions and thoughts that arise make sense when we give ourselves enough context. When we consider how we've developed and learned to respond to situations, along with our present well-being and any stressors that might have impacted it in the last 6 months, it may make a lot more sense as to why these internal experiences are showing up for us.

Rather than shaming ourselves for particular thoughts or emotions, offer yourself some self-compassion and validation. Remind yourself that "it is natural that given my life experiences, I am having these thoughts/emotions right now." This response prevents the self-inflicted pain that can come from invalidating ourselves, instead helping us comfort ourselves to get through challenging moments more effectively. Doing so makes the situation less overwhelming and allows us to address the issue at hand.

To clarify, this does not mean you must act on those thoughts or feelings - there is a difference between recognizing and validating our experiences and allowing them to make our life's decisions. We can still maintain control of our actions with those thoughts and feelings present. But giving yourself some self-validation can give you the room to reflect on what these thoughts and feelings are about and respond to them as-needed. 

*** Self-validation as discussed in this article stems from concepts discussed within Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.