Doing Hard Things

What do the following things all have in common:

- training for a marathon
- having a difficult conversation
- making a big life change
- getting out of bed when there's no gas in the tank
- setting a boundary
- doing work

They can all be really really hard. They often take energy and require discipline and grit. 

So if these are so hard, why does anyone do them? Well, often if we're interested in doing a hard task there's likely a purpose that ties in with our values. It could be to do with showing respect to ourselves or others, helping ourselves grow, improving the world, financial security, or a myriad of other values at play. We often set these types of goals with our long-term selves in mind.

Unfortunately despite these intentions, when we're in the situation with the choice right in front of us - stay home and watch tv or go train for the marathon - it can be extremely easy to choose the path of least resistance (aka stay on that couch). We're wired to preserve energy and focus on our short-term needs, both of which were very adaptive back when food was scarce and survival was on the line. These days however, that instinct sometimes gets in the way of accomplishing our goals. Our mind may make up excuses as to why we don't need to do the hard task that day, or maybe we'll feel little motivation or interest in pursuing it in that moment. These decisions can later lead to feelings of regret and cognitive dissonance, because our values and actions aren't lining up.

How we anticipate we'll feel during the activity can make a big difference for our motivation. Oftentimes when we're inadvertently choosing that easier path, we're making the choice based on thoughts of how difficult the activity will be and how little energy or interest we have to do so. We follow our instincts to avoid discomfort.

A first step towards choosing the harder path is to be willing to experience discomfort, for the sake of something more important. Again, connecting with our values makes it much easier to be willing to experience some short-term pain for that long-term gain.

Acknowledging how our brains are trying to "help" by encouraging us to avoid this discomfort also helps us stay aware of what's going on. It lets us take a step back to consider the messages our brain is giving us and why, but without letting them take charge of our decisions.

Another approach we can take is noticing what we're focusing our attention on. What if, instead of thinking of the difficulty of the task and the discomfort we'll likely feel from it, we imagine how we'll feel upon completing it? We can notice how we lived by our values and how it contributed to our sense of identity. We may imagine ourselves feeling relief or energized. Or, even if we can't anticipate these kinds of enjoyable feelings after, we can usually lean on the pride of knowing we were true to ourselves and our goals.


With all that said, let's do an experiment. Consider if you have a difficult task you're struggling to accomplish. Think of all the stories your mind may be telling you about why this isn't the time to do it. Let yourself really fall into these messages and notice how your body responds and feels. After you feel like you're thoroughly in the muck of amotivation to engage with the hard task, try the following:

Shift your attention away from those stories and begin imagining yourself completing the task. Get really into it by thinking about what this accomplishment means for your well-being, your day, and your sense of identity. Consider what pleasant feelings you might have once this task is completed. Now check in with your current self and notice how this reflection made you feel about doing that task.

I hope that exercise helped reveal how noticing our thoughts and shifting attention towards perspectives that serve us can have a big impact on our decisions. If this resonates for you, I would encourage you to practice this approach regularly. The more you do so, the easier it will be to take this perspective the next time.


Please note that despite all I said above, sometimes the right decision is to choose the easier path. Our minds and emotions are designed to protect us from discomfort, and if we don't have the energy or resources to manage that discomfort in the moment, perhaps that moment is not the time to push. The more you notice how your mind and body work in various scenarios, the easier it will be for you to distinguish those times when it's appropriate to push yourself, and those times when it's right to rest.