Your Internal Compass

A lot can go into a decision. Our emotions might urge us to act one way, our logic may suggest another, and our social influences might push for yet another route. While all of these may be helpful in influencing how we decide to act in any given situation, often one of the most important aspects falls to the wayside in the conversation: our values.

Values are a reflection of what is important to us. They are the qualities we name in others with admiration and respect, and they can be found in the "ideal" versions of ourselves. They are included in our considerations of who we want to be and how we want to treat ourselves and others. There is no right or wrong value, as every person's values is unique and personal to them. 

Although it is possible for values to naturally shift with time, they tend to be consistent from day-to-day. As we have all likely experienced, emotions and thoughts are far more changeable. This does not mean emotions or thoughts are "bad" or should be suppressed -  these are your body's efforts to simply keep you safe! But instead of reacting based on your emotions and thoughts, we can take them as helpful signals for us to consider, then use our values as our internal compass to help us make the final decision in how we want to respond. This is further encouraged by the fact that values tend to make themselves known if we go against them, often through feelings such as guilt, shame, anxiety, or regret.

Here's an example. Say my sister is in a bad mood and says something rude to me during a conversation. My emotional reaction might be anger and hurt, whereby acting on that urge would mean verbally lashing out. My logical self might say "she's just in a bad mood, it's not worth it, let it go," but ultimately disregard my own emotions in the process and continue to feel angry and hurt. Both aspects are natural reactions, both with their own calls to action. This is where my internal compass can come in. Recognizing my value of family relationships, I know lashing out would not align. Recognizing my value of self-worth, staying silent does not align either. But considering both of these values, along with my values of authenticity, compassion, and love, I would likely choose to wait until a later time when we're both calm, then share how her words hurt me and set a boundary of how she speaks to me in future.

There is a distinct freedom in behaving in a way that aligns with who we want to be.  It allows us to take an approach to life that doesn't fall into a pass/fail mentality - even when a situation does not go as expected, we can always strive to live by our values. We can look back on our choices and know we acted true to ourselves, regardless of the outcome.

As a starting point, I would suggest you have a look through this values list and begin to identify which ones resonate most for you. If you would like to continue exploring your values and learn how to apply them in your own life more consistently, consider speaking with a therapist about these topics. Values are an important component in ACT, though it is certainly incorporated into other therapeutic approaches as well.