Is This Serving Me?
It can feel very natural to take our thoughts at face value and act on them. It allows us to think quickly, and oftentimes the results work in our favour. But what happens during those times when we look back on our actions and experience discomfort and regret?
According to Oxford Languages, cognitive dissonance refers to "the state of having inconsistent thoughts,
beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions
and attitude change." In short, we experience a conflict between how we feel, think, and act, which often feels pretty uncomfortable for us. Doing so can wear on our self-worth and self-respect, and we might begin to ruminate on our past mistakes or be on guard for future ones. We can think of these emotions and thoughts as signals from our body, telling us that how we behaved conflicted with who we want to be (and that we should probably do something different next time).
It takes work to begin noticing our thoughts, feelings, and actions as separate entities, each of which can be addressed differently. But one of the places we have the most power is in how we act. Acting can take the form of physical actions in our lives, but it also might be the act of where we focus our attention and how we address our thoughts. Regardless what actions we're talking about, it can be helpful to reflect on them with the following question: is this serving me?
Let me explain. When I talk about something serving me, I'm not talking about what feels the most good in the moment. Though eating cake for dinner might feel good in the moment, we probably know deep down that this act does not really serve us in the long run. So what I'm talking about here is recognizing what actions are most aligned with one's values, what feels the most "true" to the person, what would reflect their ideal selves, and what leads the person closer to the life that they want.
When we ask this question, it can help us reflect on our actions and make decisions that feel more aligned with who we deep down strive to be. This might mean we change how we speak to someone, we work to build a skill in therapy, we shift our attention away from unhelpful thoughts when they arise, we do something important that we've been avoiding, we begin a gratitude journal, we set a boundary with someone, or a multitude of other decisions. Making these moves can cultivate a sense of self-worth and self-respect, and we can rest easy at night knowing we did what we felt was right, regardless of the outcome.
I do want to briefly note that sometimes, our expectations of ourselves can be unfair or unrealistic. We may have learned these expectations from our family, social media, peers, or other influences growing up. In these cases, sometimes it can be particularly difficult to distinguish what's serving you, as it might conflict with what we expect from ourselves. So it's important to unpack your beliefs, values, and life goals, and really get to know yourself as independently as possible from others' beliefs, values, and goals for you. With self-reflection and being as honest with yourself as possible, you can reflect on this question more effectively.
Additionally, sometimes doing the actions that serve us can mean we must do something uncomfortable or difficult. Even though uncomfortable emotions or thoughts might arise in the moment when we do these things, it's important to acknowledge that something can feel right even when it also feels hard. After all, emotions and thoughts are important signals from our body, but they are changeable and imperfect, so they don't need to call the shots on how we act. After our decision is made and we act aligned with our values, it's likely that our emotions and thoughts may shift to be more pleasant.
Values can be our compass to the life we want, and the question "is this serving me" helps us recognize whether we're going in the right direction.
Harris, R. (2008). The happiness trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Trumpeter Books.