Regrets

Do you ever beat yourself up for mistakes you've made in the past? Do you carry regret about how you acted or handled a situation? 

Making mistakes is a part of the human condition, but it's also a natural response for us to sometimes feel embarrassed or ashamed when we think about them. In fact, these feelings are our bodies' way of helping us reflect on our actions by drawing our attention to what we did and making it feel unpleasant, thus motivating us to act differently next time. These feelings often arise when we feel our actions aren't aligned with our values or the person we want to be. Revisiting past mistakes in our mind can be beneficial in helping us maintain positive relationships, stay safe and healthy, and grow into kinder and more thoughtful people. 

Unfortunately, sometimes our brains can get carried away - returning to the same mistake again and again, flooding us with guilt, shame and regret in the process. When this occurs, reflecting on the situation is no longer serving us. Our brain continues to "beat a dead horse" by teaching us the same lesson on repeat. Over and over we may think about the consequences of our actions and what we should have done instead.

If your brain tends to get carried away when it reflects on past regrets, I have a suggestion on how you can navigate these thoughts and feelings more effectively moving forward.

First of all, reflect. 

• Give yourself a chance to really think through the situation at least once. 
• Let yourself feel all those uncomfortable feelings. Identify what actions are associated with those painful feelings and what those feelings are telling you. 
• Identify the context that led to your actions, including the external situation and your internal state. 
• Take responsibility for your role, but also ensure you aren't holding yourself responsible for things you did not have control over. 
• Clarify whether your actions were consistent with your values or contrary to them. 
• Reflect on what you've learned from this situation and turn the "I should have..." into "next time, I will..."  
• Recognize if there is anything you need to do to rectify the situation (apologies, corrections, etc.) and do it! 
• Finally, show yourself some compassion. Give yourself grace for being a human and making mistakes. Think of how you'd act towards a friend who made a similar mistake. We can still show ourselves kindness even while holding ourselves responsible for our actions.  
• If any of these components are too difficult to think through, you could consider writing it out in a journal or talking it out with a loved one or therapist. 

Once you've fully completed the above, the following steps can be a helpful way to prevent yourself from continuing to ruminate on past regrets:

1) Notice and name what's going on. We can't change something we aren't consciously aware is happening.

2) Thank your mind. I know, it seems weird. But your mind is attempting to protect you from making the same painful mistake - even if it is a bit overzealous. By thanking it (literally saying to yourself "thanks mind"), it helps you take some distance from the thoughts and see them for what they really are - a string of words and images sent from our brain and meant to help us survive.

3) Skip to the end. You already concluded what you'd do differently next time. Rather than go through the whole thought process again, just jump to "next time, I will..." and leave it at that.

4) Refocus. Pushing away thoughts tends to make them louder, but that doesn't mean you have to drown in them every time they pop up. If thinking about a situation is no longer serving you, see what else is going on in your life right now that might be more helpful for you to focus on. Focus on something happening in the present moment; something you have control over; something that matters to you and brings you closer to the person you want to be. If those other "regret thoughts" are in the background, let them. They don't have to stop you from living your life now!

This process can be tough and it's natural that your mind will try to pull you back to those past regrets. Whenever it does, simply go through the steps again until you're more engaged with present life. With time and practice, it will get easier to navigate where you focus your attention and those past regrets will have less of an impact.

If you find this process challenging, please consider speaking with a therapist for further support.