Rejecting Our Feelings

It can be natural to sometimes push away our emotions, especially when those feelings are painful or difficult to navigate. If we were discouraged from expressing feelings or were taught that certain emotions were "bad" during our childhoods, the skill of pushing away our emotions or no longer even noticing they exist can be especially well-honed by adulthood. Although burying or ignoring our feelings can help make the moment easier, doing so comes with some costs. I want to discuss some of those costs today.

First of all, if we ignore our feelings, the productive function of our feelings is lost. Feelings are meant to give us signals and suggestions about our situation, ourselves, our environments and our relationships. They help us have the ability to act on instinct or listen to our gut, read other people or situations, and ensure we're getting our needs met effectively. If those signals are consistently rejected, ignored, or buried, we no longer receive that helpful information. We may plow on when we need to rest or accept mistreatment when we need to protect ourselves. Just as stubbing our toe creates pain so we can tend to our hurt and avoid doing the same thing again, our painful feelings encourage us to look at our situation, tend to ourselves and try to avert that painful situation next time. I should note that feeling a feeling does not mean we HAVE to act on it in a certain way. Feeling anger does not mean we must act aggressively - it means we feel threatened or a line has been crossed. By recognizing those signals, we then have the opportunity to consider the many options of how we can respond to that feeling in a values-guided way.

Another cost to avoiding our feelings is the real effort required to do so. We may go to great lengths to get away from painful feelings through avoidance and numbing strategies. Some examples of these strategies would include keeping busy, always being around others, excessive use of screens, alcohol and drug use, eating unhealthy proportions and self-harm. All of these strategies tend to create their own distress long-term if they're over-relied upon. The concept that escaping from our feelings may be actually contributing to our problems long-term is a core aspect of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). In this therapeutic approach, one aspect of treatment is learning how to accept whatever emotions arise in a given moment, without judging them, struggling with them, or trying to get rid of them. This does not mean accepting a situation if you have a means to change it, but accepting the feelings within you as they're showing up. By allowing emotions to simply exist as they arise, they can be processed effectively and we eliminate the extra pain that comes with all those above avoidance strategies. Letting those feelings show up also helps us build the skill of learning how to tolerate our emotions more effectively so we are less reactive. The book The Happiness Trap does an excellent job at explaining these concepts further.

The final cost I'll discuss today is concisely described by the following pithy statement: "what we bury, we carry." What this means is that our emotions don't go away when we bury or ignore them. They're still there, whether we're consciously aware of them or not. If we don't allow ourselves to feel what's showing up, those feelings will fester and build over time. Eventually, the "final straw that broke the camel's back" will result in all those buried feelings coming out in an unexpected and often uncontrolled way - usually to the shock and judgement from yourself or others. Furthermore, regularly suppressing strong emotions and ignoring their signals can lead to a variety of physical issues including psychosomatic disorders, chronic stress, tense muscles and digestive issues. 

During high-stakes situations, sometimes we need to tuck our emotions away and focus on a task at hand. In small doses, there's nothing wrong with doing so, particularly if you make a point to return to those feelings later. However, I hope the above will encourage you to try allowing emotions to show up rather than working to escape from them. There's no such thing as a bad feeling and feeling the whole gamut of emotions is part of the human experience. It's how you choose to respond to those feelings that makes all the difference. 

If you find accessing or allowing your emotions to be difficult, please consider connecting with an ACT therapist. They can support you in building skills to accept and navigate your emotions more effectively.