What's The Story?
Our minds are designed to help us nagivate the world around us. One of the ways it does so is by helping us connect various experiences together into a narrative (story), one that helps us make sense of ourselves and the world in a consistent and reliable way. Much of the time, this approach is extremely helpful. Our ability to have a consistent identity, to understand others and develop relationships, maintain a sense of safety and navigate our days all rely on these narratives. These stories also help us reflect on our actions and can lead to positive changes, particularly if our actions do not coincide with how we view ourselves.
Sometimes, however, it can be helpful to notice what these stories are and how they're impacting us. Once a story has been around for a while, we often unconsciously seek information to verify the story and ignore information that may lead us to change our story. Again in many respects this is very helpful for us - it helps things feel predictable and controllable. However, it also means that stepping out of our story can be tough, even if that story is inaccurate or no longer serving us. Our stories sometime become our own barriers. They may pigeon-hole us
into believing what we're capable of, or what others are capable of.
As a simplified example, say a child was bullied at school by various classmates and ignored by their caregivers at home. How might this young person's mind make sense of these experiences? Their mind might develop the story that they weren't good enough in various respects, and if they only did "better" then others would treat them with more kindness. Or perhaps their mind would say they have terrible luck. Or maybe it might say other people are unkind and you can only rely on yourself in life.
As I said, any of these stories would function as a way for the child's brain to make sense of the situation as best they could with the information they had at the time. Whichever story the mind chooses, how might you imagine this story impacts the person's decisions, their self-esteem or their current and future relationships? How might it help or hinder them?
If the person's mind develops the first example of this story to make sense of their experience, those thoughts of "not good enough" may persist long after those interactions cease. We tend to find what we're on the lookout for, so if the person is attuned to instances of not being good enough, you can bet they'll notice them often - even in instances of small mistakes that others may easily ignore. As an adult they may be risk averse and choose "safer" decisions, since they would predict their performance in a challenging situation would inevitably be not good enough. Their self-worth and motivation may be impacted, both of which can be detrimental to well-being and sometimes even develop into mental health concerns like anxiety or depression.
Take a moment and imagine how the other two examples may impact this child growing up if those stories persisted.
Many of us have stories that are outdated, unhelpful or inaccurate. Fortunately, by taking a step back and noticing the stories our minds have created for us, we are on the first step to stepping out of them!
To help you notice some of your own mind's stories, try the following exercise.
Fill in the blanks as quickly as you can:
I am a ________ person
I can __________
I can't _________
I'll never ________
I'll always _________
I wish I could ________
If I were to describe my character and personality, I am __________
I think other people are __________
I think my life is _________
I have ______ control over my life
What might the answers show you about the stories your mind has developed to help make sense of your life and identity?
If those stories help motivate you, guide you and let you be the person you want to be, then great!
If any of those stories pigeon-hole who you are, who others are or how life will go, reflect on whether these stories are serving you and if you'd keep them if you had the choice.
Our brains are always changing and capable of developing new narratives.
Doing so requires a great deal of practice engaging in alternative
perspectives, learning to detach from any unhelpful stories our minds develop,
and building new stories through intentional thoughts and actions.
To shift your mind's stories, the support from a therapist can help make the process much easier. Interventions from CBT, ACT, Narrative Therapy, among others can help you learn to build new and more flexible perspectives.